Tropical Depression.

"Ok-my emergency bag is packed, I've got adequate supplies, the decks are cleared and the server at work is backed up", I said to myself on Monday "now", I thought "all I can do is surrender". I'd been a busy bee (ok possibly a bit manic) as slacking off was just not my thing when Hurricane Felicia, wait Tropical Storm Felicia, wait, Tropical Depression Felicia was heading Maui's way. Friends were not sure whether to mock me or feel sorry for me......they all veered toward the former.

Talking of mocking and depression......"In my world hell has officially frozen over", I said to the lady from whom I'd just purchased my latest pair of sandals. Not exactly CFM's but my feet love them.

Anyway-there's nothing like dodging a weather bullet to make you grateful for where you live...... and for your Birkenstocks.

Pennies, People, Peacocks and Presidents.

I randomly found a machine at the supermarket that will count all my loose, furry, tainted, sticky old change, so I'll feed the hungry beast this week. I'm sure it will extract it's pound of flesh from my stash, but it will be worth it just to have my water jug back and a few extra bucks in my pocket. Any guesses as to what I'll walk away with?

I spent part of my Wednesday hanging out with good friends cooking, eating and chatting. It was no hardship at all given that this was the garden. When I saw this photo it made me think how many millions of people don't even get to see this kind of a view in their whole life (or for that matter have that many pennies in the jar). Case in point, look at this poor cow.

Straddle it, swing on it, climb it, jump on it, sit on it, pose on it, what can I say-they did it all, boys will be boys. I was happily watching all of this post vertigo, which I'd had for over a week. I was cured by the Epley Maneuver within two days. So pass it on to any one who experiences the room spinning effects of too much alcohol without having drunk a drop!

....and talking of seeing double how about this two headed peacock?


It's a new day, it's a new dawn and as a non believer I thank God we have a new President.

Leftovers.

I really like this pic that my bro took and I notice I always call him 'bro' in my scribblings.

Here are a few of my reasons, beginning with his actual name which is Redvers. So first ‘Red’ implies he's a ginger and he’s not (see proof above). It’s also a bit of a hick name here in the US and he’s not that either! Finally as his name is unusual everyone gets the 'Red' bit correct but they always screw up the 'vers'. So here’s my handy guide in case you ever come across another Redvers on your travels. Pronounce the 'vers' like ‘vurs’ or even ‘vuz” but definitely not ‘fuss' with a mysterious ‘f’ thrown in as it’s commonly mispronounced - Redfers! Anyway.....where was I......oh yes posting on the blog.

Here's one of my bro's pici's from one of our park walks.......he's learning!

Lano (after correcting my spelling) in a previous post reminded me of this ridiculous article I read when I was home. Good grief, what is the world coming to when a teacher can't mark a paper with red pen for fear of offending her students? It's a bunch of bollocks and I'm with the traditionalists on this one, barmy is right..........and for the record any one can correct my work in any color (or colour) they like.

My favorite (or favourite) Christmas gift was waiting for me when I got home was a woodbine smoking baby, spectacularly inappropriate. Thanks F & M, you never cease to amuse.

Cameras, migraines and sailing.

As predicted the Nikon was returned last week. The deciding factor?….well a picture tells a thousand words. I sat on the hill at Hookipa and left in quick frustration as every time the sun hit the Mylar, this was the outcome. Shocking!

And so to contestant #2 a Sony Cybershot H7…the ‘new and improved’ version of my old camera. I’ve not yet run it through its paces but I’ve gotta be on the ball with this test as Sears is not as generous as Costco, only giving me 30 days to return the merchandise!

A quick headache update. It seems I may have stumbled on two possible culprits, on the outside; electromagnetic pollution and on the inside, sugar. The good news is a couple of thin magnets in my bra (think mature wrinkly fembot) and a diet alteration (no sugar, caffeine or alcohol) seem to have tamed the migraine beast. This is my breakfast karma for gobbling up a lifetimes worth of sugar halfway through my innings!

The good news is my energy is back, so yesterday I was happily out on the water. It’s amazing how quickly I lose my confidence when I’m not consistently rigging up. “You done already” yelled a friend as I took my bedraggled self to the shower after only 25 minutes on the water. I wanted to say "yes, I'm bloody knackered already" but ego got the better of me and I just nodded sheepishly and stacked my excuses up, should I be called upon to explain myself. Dammit, busted again for being a wuss…..

Happy Mothers Day

Mater, I think I've found you a fella' !

Self amusement.

This poor little chap had fallen in my recycle bucket and I extracted the price of a photo shoot for his release.

Ah the guillotine, those were the days! This pici just makes me chuckle....

As does this one.....note to self, must buy larger swim goggles.

"Mr.Cammarota, the Doctor will see you now".

Hit and miss.

Miss: In the hopes of getting some good bird photo’s I purchased a bird feeder and hung it on my back deck. This prop of choice has the birds in a frenzy when I’m not in the vicinity, but as soon as I’m sitting in the wings (no pun intended) those buggers are off. Not to be daunted I tried again with a nice ornate bird bath, surly this would work? But no, those ungrateful little bastards don’t even use it, so now it has become a water feature that I drop flowers and petals in to!

Hit: There are a lot of ugly helmets out there in the windsurfing world, but not this one. Gramps clearly didn’t want his street cred of style and sophistication to be diminished on the water. A classic winning silver accessory will catch the ladies eye every time.

Miss: “Best photo of a hot guy”....that’s the little monthly contest we have at work. The esteemed prize is the respect of ones co-workers for your good taste and balls to take the shot!

Easy yes.....NO! Agggghhhh-here’s the thing, I know a LOT of hot guys but I’m too embarrassed to either sneak a photo of them or blatantly ask out right if they’d say ‘cheese’. So far this month this is my entry, hot guy-poor shot. The best part is the bloke in the background with his bottom lip out, that about sums up how I feel about being such a wimp in my own contest!

Hit: Who wouldn’t want to rest their paws here, even if it is on naff plastic chairs.

Five things I witnessed at the gym today - plus one...

1. Lots of small dark skinned men in the Hawaiian uniform of all male work out dudes….sneakers, tattooed legs, board shorts, neon yellow Maui cement t-shirt & pod.

2. Courageously over weight people taking the steps to shed some pounds….but why of why do they wear spandex?

3. Lots of male body language, the secret hand shake & one shoulder arm clamp hug are two of my faves.

4. Older man (miuns underwear) wearing flimsy waaaaaaaaaay too short shorts.

5. Me – the only freckled haole in there (proper) laughing out loud listening to the #1 podcast in the UK “Russell Brand on BBC Radio 2”.

Yes, yes, I know, I know, I'm shallow and judgemental, but people - it's a 24 hour feak show out there………

And on another completely random other note, hands up all those who have laughed outloud inappropriately . Fantastic.

Contrast and compare.

Last week my bro sent me this pici of the view from his house....

So I returned the favour and sent him the view from my house....

Ouch!

So much for this little bird of paradise flying like an eagle....doink! You’ll be glad to know it wasn’t lying dead as a dodo under my dirty bedroom window.

Change is inevitable.

There’s been some radical upheaval lately not only with our recent storm but in the lives of people close to me. It gives pause for introspection and my favorite poet David Whyte poses the following question: “What is your next step in life”? To check-in with yourself just look at your current existence in any given nano second. So, if all of a sudden you were to find yourself dropped out of nowhere reading this blog with a voice saying; “ OK- this is your life……if it were offered to you right now (as is) would you take it”? Then you spit out your love, car, friendship, money, spiritual, work, family tally and answer his question.

So would I want this life......?

You have multiple friends that help you through the tough times and in the good times feed your spirit & soul.
You have a business partner who you trust, adore and admire.
You are crap at languages and grammar and this bugs you.
You hang out with a man who makes me laugh and helps you grow.
You have money in the bank for a rainy day.
Your skin is a bit saggy.
You own a non-precious truck that is reliable and paid for.
You have no addictions and are in good health.
You have a tendency to worry too much.
You are happy alone and love good company..
You have a little family back in UK that you'd like to see more.
You are a jack of all trades master of none.

My answer would be ‘hell – yes”, because god knows I could have this blokes job! So PHEW, no radical changes to be made today. Though as Whyte rightly points out most of us would go “well I like this, this and this, but do I have to take this bit as well”?! So what is my next step in life? Well, as it’s working beautifully right now I’m not going to alter a thing (Ok perhaps I’ll work-out more consistently, get rid of my rotting couch and get back on the water). However, ask me again soon as anyone’s world can alter in a heartbeat and as we all know, the only thing constant is change.

Car-ma.

I’ve mentioned before that (for the most part) I’m a rule follower.

Do not feed the birds.
Start line here.
Please take a number.
Do not tread on the grass.
8 items or less.
Please do not disturb.
Men.
Turn left on green arrow only.
Plastic only please.
Five garments only in changing room.
Do not feed the animals.

So why oh why would I see this sign and ignore it’s warning? I’ll tell you why….because it provided rock star parking and I figured as I always follow the rules; this one wouldn’t apply to me!

Wrong! A coconut fell on the roof of my truck, cracked the clear coat and whilst it looked like an innocent dent for a while, fast forward 3 years and hey presto - one ruined paint job! Happily my truck is functional and not precious so I don’t care, but every time I drive past Paia Bay I sneak a peak at that sign and am reminded that ‘Instant karmas gonna get you, Gonna knock you right on the head you better get yourself together Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead’ Thanks for the reminder John……..I got it!

'How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours'. Wayne Dyer

Profanisaurus Rex.

Michelle’s bro Mark, (while drinking cocktails between shifts as a pilot for British Airways) likes to work on keeping his announcements cutting edge with his handy Profanisaurus Rex. Mark gifted one of these 'must haves' to Michelle, who gifted one to me, who gifted one to Jules because lord knows, we could all use a few more rude words & phrases in our vocab!

Here's a few mild beginner samples that you can easily drop into your conversations this week.

‘To do a Beckam” v. To fail to score despite every opportunity to do so.

“Agatha Christie” n. A silent, putrid fart committed by someone in this very room, and only one person knows whodunit.

“Strike Oil” v. When doing a duty on the lavatory, to eject a feeshus with such force that its impact causes a vertical spout of water which hit’s one squarely in the balloon knot.

“King Canute” n. An enormous turd that blocks the bend and holds back the tide of the flush, causing the toilet to overflow.

“Snatch worms” n. Tiny pieces of tightly rolled toilet paper that lurk in the labial folds.

“Spin cycle” n. The final frenzied stages of a gentleman’s act of relaxation, when the floor starts to vibrate and nearby crockery starts to rattle and fall off shelves etc.

“Swiss movement”n. A poo dropped in the pan with almost nazi-like precision by a person with disciplined and regular bowel habits.

So if you're ever on a BA flight in Europe and hear "Ladies & Gentelmen please bring your seat backs into the upright position and stow your tray tables. We will be landing as soon as I’ve had my curtain call (a return to the lav for an encore dump)........" you'll know who's at the helm!

Don't let this happen to you!

Part 1:I'm going windsurfing today and after watching this little nugget I'm already extremely grateful for every earth bound face plant I’ll do! Nothing like a little perspective to brighten the day :-)

Part 2:Sacre bleu-its 6:34am and not an Earl Gray tea bag in the house! Note to self must fire the housekeeper. My day is now an experiment like getting out of bed on the wrong side on purpose, I hope it won’t reflect in my windsurfing.

Toilet humour

I was rummaging around for a good post and stumbled across this little gem forwarded from my bro a few years ago. Yes, it is a real bathroom located in th Sofitel Hotel in Queenstown, New Zealand.

My favorite comment was that the artsy loo had brought a couple of complaints from church goers and a couple of hundred people wanting to take a look! Evidenty it is five star hotels most popular room.....

So my curiosity was peeked about loo art and look what else I found. How about this classic latrine exhibit outside the Tate in London. It’s a fully functioning loo with one way mirrored glass so you can pee & see, but not be seen. Fantastic...I wonder if you have to pay 25p to use it?

Man of the match

Ok-Ok-I know it's a little unfair to show this clip without a receipricol link to Sebastians blog of my boobs flapping in the wind. However, as my boobs aren't on the web (as far as I know)and after watching a video of Diego Maradona last night, I was reminded of this gem and placed it inbetween two bland posts so as not to give it too much attention!
Meesh- I think he should make it to the big list!

Funny as shit.

Ahhhh the joy of a public bathroom. I’m lucky enough to have the key to our executive washroom, along with about 20 other women that work in our building. It’s an OK basic place with no frills, two stalls, two sinks, a mirror. paper towels and a door stop. Yet there are many silent (and some not so silent) agreements connected to this inner sanctum. For example, if someone is in a stall having a poo and you’re just in for a pee….the pee-er exits as quickly as possible to allow the poo-ee some privacy. Another; So as not to offend the mystery occupant of stall #2 (no pun intended) raucous farting is not encouraged. Interestingly however, if a wayward fart does escape it is often followed by a polite “excuse me” from the rule breaker to her fellow in-mate. Finally (and an agreement broken more often that you’d think) flush the loo when your done!

It had been bugging me for a while, that every time I used the bathroom I had the following dialogue with the sign above. “It’s not dispose of it, its dispose of them”. As if that wasn't enough, recently as I entered my favorite stall I was assaulted by the flagrant violation of the “must flush” rule. Good grief…. I darted next door and whist mid pee another girl entered and had the same close encounter with the mystery stool. Poor cow, she has no choice but to bravely flush - breathe and enter.
Clearly the girl was quite traumatized because upon my next visit, this sign was now staring at me from the back of the door.

Now these notices were just not working for me, so I decided to call in a professional. I surreptitiously removed the two offending notices and mailed them to the only other person I knew would be so offended, he’d have to upgrade them! Let me introduce our hero Paul Chamberlain. Paul as young man, while riding in the elevator of his apartment complex would remove the mundane “Bingo -this Thursday in apartment 4C” sign. Then he’d pour his creative genius in to pimping the sign & making it something Vegas would be proud of, replacing it back in the same place as if nothing had happened. Brilliant-absolutely brilliant.

Whist officially retired from his vigilante work I knew he’d rise to the occasion and these two works of art are what now reside in our bathrooms.















Three points of explanation;
1. On the uniform of the bio-hazard chick is our company logo-an inspired touch.
2. For those who don’t know ‘Kokua’ is the Hawaiian word for aid or assist-a fantastic play on words.
3. The fine print under poo-poo-a reads “Juvenile and culturally insensitive yes, but funny none the less"

No shit.........

Quiz time.

As a kid I always liked the part of a quiz show when you had to figure out what the obscurely photographed object was. Answers please on a 3 x 5 postcard mailed to.......

Ho-Ho-Ho.

As I’m pouty about the demise of my native tongue, Christmas (due to its annual appearance) is thankfully full of juicy words that have survived 23 years of cultural assault. This particular example is doubly delightful as it's a monument and a bauble all in one!
Milk & two sugars Rudolf?
If I drink enough Baileys and squint my eyes nearly shut......Y.M.C.A!
So one year I had a party and the invite mentioned Christmas Crackers. To whit the majority of the guests were puzzled and dissapointed when instead of getting to eat a wheaty, crispy & savory cracker...they had to pull apart a snapping toilet roll and wear a silly paper hat on their head! I put the F in fun I do!
Santa's definately being naughty and as for Mrs Claus, I'm saving you the visual as you would never look at candy canes the same!

Just a reminder.....

"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone."
I don't have a clue who said it, but I like it.