I'm having a senior moment.....

I’m getting a sneak preview into what it’s like to be aged. My days are spent wistfully rolling from one gentle activity to another, which is the good part. However, I’ve had moments of frustration and helplessness at my inability to lift anything heavier than a kettle. Being dependent can also make you feel useless, but thank god that’s balanced out by a growing sense of compassion for anyone with limited movement.

On Sunday I went for my first outing and was duly driven (Miss Daisy style) to the beach. Heaven, a change of scenery and a chance to take photos, paint and relax on my lounge chair. The downside, I didn’t think it wise to go into the water and the loo was a lengthy 500 yards away! I knew I could make it there, but after the 40 minute drive and sitting painting for an hour, the walk back was dubious at best. Luckily my call of nature arrived at the same time my chauffer came in from his surfing session!

Is it just me...or are the coconut and boys head, interchangeable?

Bolstered by my progress into the great outdoors, I decided today was as good as any other to get back behind the wheel. As I reached the end of the road I felt as if I’d dug out of Colditz with my bent metal spoon. Upon slowly turning left I knew I was driving toward the sweet nirvana of all prisoners, freedom! Clutch, shift, and accelerate, or dear it was official…… in just three short weeks I had become a bonafide overly cautious old lady driver and wouldn’t be going far!

I shuffled into Pukalani Superette and knew I was on borrowed time. Basket = excess weight so I gathered my tomatoes, yogurt, broccoli, lettuce and snap peas in hand, trying to carefully pick up less than a kettle of water’s weight in food. I didn’t succeed......

Deflated and a bit pouty I limped home, made my lunch and headed for a nap, only to be woken twenty minutes later by the gardener. Drat and double drat. A seniors life is a narrow one, we whine about the little things like ‘nap interruption’ because to us it’s a major part of our day. We want to hear all your details because we don’t have many of our own and our health becomes of paramount importance because without it, we can’t fully contribute or play without discomfort as we'd wish.

Well, now that's out of my system I can say 'bloody hell woman, quit your whingeing it could be sooooooooooooo much worse!'

Night Vision.

This was as far as I got with the lunar eclipse last night before my bed seemed like the better option.

Not to be outdone, the sun was going through its own celestial spectacle!

When last I was at sea level.....

From my vantage point on the 'lunch stump' at Kanaha, I could hear this little girl squealing with delight as her Dad wrung out the last of his forearm juice in the age old game of 'swing your kids around until one of you gets sick'!
My, my, Fred Hayward is a big boy.
If only I'd seen the owner of this two wheel jalopy, I suspect he'd be just as interesting as his mode of transport. I'm also noting my assumption that he's a 'he'......nah I'm right, even on Maui this just isn't a chicks look!
It's a cardinal sin to be a dirty bird.

Better late than never.

So here’s the thing, when 25 of your amazing friends throw a surprise ‘British Invasion’ party in your honor…..one is not always prepared with a handy birthday party camera. Such was the case for me back in January and having just received a CD of evidence from said festivities my post is a day late and 6 months short of its proper time slot. Luckily, no one bloody cares!

My wonderful friend Chelsea was the brainchild behind the 60’s bash and clearly the Patron had already been flowing before my arrival. In my naïve little mind, I was picking Chelsea up for a few hours hang out in Wailuku….that should have been my first clue something was up!

Amongst the guests were four of my best mates who'd jetted in from the mainland for the weekend. Bloody hell that’s good.... Click on 'view all images' if you want a better look at these pici's.

Everything went according to plan, I was surprised & in shock, I cried, I laughed, I drank Patron and then Ulli pooed a piece of cake onto Sid’s chest and the birthday girl got to eat it! All good clean family fun.

I still don’t feel like I’ve clearly expressed how gob smacked and touched I was by every ones love, energy and creativity that went into an organizing such an amazing birthday. My mainland chums slummed it at Mama’s for the weekend and this was the view the morning they left. Many thanks to Imants for being official photographer and giving us all this stunning visual of Kuau on a Kona storm, not too shabby.

What difference did 10 years make?

I first learned to windsurf at the Berkley Marina and after work in San Francisco I would take a cable car, BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) and a bus to my lessons. You’d think between the skanky water, the commute and the damp wetsuits that I’d have given up, but no, I loved it!

I finally got my own gear and while I was always a tentative sailor, still had fun dodging the metal shite jutting out of the filth at flying tigers. I looked forward to the weekend excursions searching for wind and because I wasn’t that good, was happy even if the air streams were elusive.

Let’s see, tortoise or hare……what can I say I’m the tortoise in most things. So how I got the misconception that moving to Maui would make me a 'windsurfing hare' is beyond me! As a scapegoat for me quitting the sport, my ex-husband came in quite handy. Sure he was unsupportive, critical of my slow progress and uninterested in everything associated with my sailing day, but (truth be told) walking away from the sport had more to do with quitting him than anything else. Not to mention the fact that it was way more difficult to sail on Maui than anywhere else I’d tried and I couldn't fucking jibe, no matter how many lessons I took from John Crews!

So I did the only sane thing anyone would do, I divorced ‘the unhelpful one’ and bought a mountain bike!

Fast forward 10 years and the windsurfing gods sent me another opportunity to play. I started hanging out with good sailors and the desire to hook-in came back. Ego and age were my only obstacles as I was the oldest beginner I knew hanging out with those who had stayed in relationship with the sport for the last 10 years. I keep wondering "if I'd stuck with it surely I could have at least mastered the jibe in that time"? Oh little tortoise, at your speed, not necessarily!

Wotdafuck, on some level it was easy, I just threw myself under the bus for the laugh and went for it (how quickly one forgets the pouty tantrums!). I’m still sailing like a girl, but most importantly I’m now having fun. My good mate Giampaolo did the honor of filming me prior to my going into dry dock for a month. So, this diatribe is my l.o.n.g. introduction to the masterpiece you are about to witness.

So, what difference did 10 years make? Proficiency wise-not much! The tortoise is basically at the same stage she was 10 years ago, but with a new enthusiastic audience and a much better attitude, it’s an entirely different world.

Raindrops.

I’m happy to report that this is as much of Hurricane Flossie as we saw. It won’t have cured our drought, but I can still hear my parched lawn smacking its blades of grass together in thirst quenching appreciation.

Sign of the times.

Gosh, recuperation isn’t all bad. My days are effortlessly filled amusing myself (see exhibit A above), religiously napping twice a day, reading “Middlesex’ which is the best novel I’ve read in a while, watching a bit of BBC America, eating healthy food, chatting with friends, catching up on Posh & Becks via ‘Hello’ mags (thanks Mum), walking s.l.o.w.l.y. around my house and most importantly figuring out if I’m swanky, skanky or cranky!

Now this might come as a bit of a shocker but the quiz says I’m swanky…. it must be the drugs because all I can think of when I look at this photo is ‘anyone for Penrith’?!

I've got to get out, ferns are beginning to grow on my brain............

Ovary share.

I thought of it less as a trip to the hospital and more like a 46,000 mile service! Anyway, I’ll spare you the details but suffice to say it’s an amazing thing that not ovary part of your body is required. So this week they removed a bit of mine that was deemed no longer worthy and I’m recuperating at home and doing great.

It was just a quick 72 hour mini-break at the hospital and after the main event the first drug they give you is morphine. It must have done more than numb the pain as here I am smoking an imaginary post op cigi, and I don’t even smoke!

Poor Cheyenne, he arrived right when I needed a wee and I wouldn’t let him have his way and push the nurse aid button! I’m sure he’s still doing his best to forget his part in the whole ‘assisting incident’ so the least I could do was let him mess with the white board!

And finally Jimmy Choo they are not.......but what they lack in sex appeal these little Pneumatic Booties make up for in comfort. Brilliant.

Throwing myself under the bus for a laugh; Part 47

What the hell, as we all know ‘wet’ is not my best look so I decided I might as well go all out and add a swim cap & goggles (the Jean Claude Killy design are particularly fetching). All together now...GORGEOUS!

I took the little gopro to the pool for a swimsuit addition of my own and had a blast. I’ve mentioned before that I didn’t learn to swim until I was 39 and I only bring it up again to validate my crappy technique! The filming part was easy, the editing part.....not so. Bloody hell, I spent way too much time on this little thing and finally decided for forgo perfection for what you’re about to receive. May the Lord make us truly thankful it's a once in a while past time!

So without further ado......ladies and gentlemen, may I present (drum roll please) ME in the Pukalani Pool!

PS:Niki Viva la cuffia!


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A pair of old Queens.

The invitaion was simple and read like this:

People,
This weekend will mark the 28th Annual celebration of my birth. Parties are planned in London, Rio, Paris and Paia. Please join me & The Queen* in celebrating at Jaques on Saturday night from 7:30 onwards.
Ian
*Not confirmed

Well as luck would have it, not only was the Queen free, but her dearly departed Mum returned from the grave to make Ian's birthday one he would remember! He's a man of hidden talents as earlier this year he and Danny showed up to my birthday as Morris Dancers, frickin hysterical. So we knew if anyone would apprceciate our efforts if was Sir (as he's now known) Ian Haywood.
When the children of the parish asked if I was really the Queen of England, I replied “I course I am children and would you like a Jaffa cake”! I figured the fact that the sell by date was March ’07 would be lost on their young American taste buds!

Details of note, Meesh’s marigold gloves and ‘screen’ netting, plus my 'curtain pull 'gold thingy and recycled wedding dress from 1989!
The granny boobs were another stroke of genius. By the end of the night they'd had just about everything thrust between them including the birthday boys head!. People kept on walking up to Meesh with a pair of stray socks as her stuffing fell out and tweaking her nipples (I think you can see why) as they left. 'kin hysterical.
Typhoo on the left, Earl Gray on the right.
And so to the real gift, a visual he’d rather not have but the laugh was so good I know we’re forgiven. Sir Ian and the Queens……….
As the night wore on, the wigs came off . Wiith a weak (and unheeded) facial plea for help ‘the other Morris dancer’ Sir Danny Kivel not only receives his knighthood but is the filling for the delicious Queen Elizabeth butty!

What a brilliant evening, Meesh & I had so much fun we decided bugger the birthday part, we'll just randomly go out dressed up more often! To wit Maui replies, "We are not amused"!

Problem or progress?

“Live like you’re in a canoe” that is the message from movie “Hawaii a message in the waves” So the arrival of the Hawaii Super Ferry has a lot of people quite twitchy.

Being able to take your car interisland is a great idea, so long as you don’t bring invasive species with you. Seeing the Islands from the ocean (I have no doubt) will be a beautiful experience, but what about the creatures under the water? What will they undergo as more waste is dumped in their backyard and the noise and vibration of this new vessel becomes a daily occurrence? I’m in support of affordable travel for more people but the traffic is bad now...... try adding 866 people and 282 cars to the commute, it's not going to be pretty.

Life becomes more main land and less Island with every change and that to me is heartbreaking. Yet I go to Costo, Home Depot, Kinko’s & K-Mart and am glad they are there when I need their services. I’m a canoe girl at heart, but if my only choices for inter island travel were canoe or ferry, I’d be wanting a ticket not a paddle! It's an internal dichotomy that keeps arising, so I'll keep searching for the answer and let you know when I find it.

Sunday Sunset.

And talking of clouds, if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes, I would not have imagined the sky really could erupt into such a blaze of glory. As Ulli would say 'average'!

Cloud 9

I was heading up to Kula at sunset and had to take a moment to appreciate the view. We’re in the middle of some wet & windy weather and the lower elevations of Haleakala were a good vantage point to observe the clouds. The rain is a welcome respite as we are in drought upcountry and the normally lush slopes are parched and slightly jaundiced in appearance. By Sunday I’ll look at the same landscape and it will be covered in healthy new fuzz of green grass(cue Tom Jones;Green, green grass of home).

Flower power.

There once was a lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Within a short hour
She pee’d a big flower
Giving pollen on tap for the bees.

My talents know no bounds!

Towing in......

Bollocks. I could feel my truck grumbling all week and today it finally went into a silent protest not letting me shift into any gear whatsoever. Still as my friend Cheyenne would say ‘don’t be bummed at your good fortune’. He’s right; as luck would have it all shifting ground to a halt outside the airport car rental frenzy, my trusty AAA card and cell phone were handy and I was on the road again in no time.

We’ve had some good times my 1993 Ford and I, but I feel it’s time to let go and invest in a newer, younger modal. Jesus…I hope my karma doesn’t come back to haunt me on this one!

Did you get my good side?

I knew if I took the gopro waterprrof camera sailing with me the results would be hysterical, but I wasn’t prepared for how frickin’ funny these shots would be. Here is a little montage that captures my struggle, surprise and alarm whilst having fun at Kanaha!

Honestly, if you can’t laugh at yourself………

Kanaha Hokey Cokey

You put your left arm in, your left arm out (make sure you click on the audio to really get into this post!)
In out, in out, you shake it all about
You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around
That's what it's all about
Whoa-o the Hokey Cokey
Whoa-o the Hokey Cokey
Whoa-o the Hokey Cokey
Knees bent, arms stretched
Raa raa raa

In mint condition.

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OK-so it’s not exactly David Attenborough and Planet Earth, but I did manage to capture a little wild life action in my garden last week. These two were at it for so long I just weeded and planted around them and they weren't bothered a bit. Lucky me :-)

And now a few words from my little kid.

I can do that, I can do that, I can do that too.......get my feet in the straps I mean!

OK-back to big me, jiminy christmas nice 'kin muscles!

A change is as good as a rest. Part II.

It’s important in life to have balance, which is why I was sitting on the beach drinking a beer whilst taking this photo.
The score from the British judge for these bathing beauties is a solid 9.5 for not giving a shit about how they look.
Here I am on my back, legs akimbo and having big fun snapping that which passes between my alabaster thighs.
I only have one explanation as to how this turned into........
this..........white people.

A change is as good as a rest.

To fly from Maui to Oahu is a long and exhausting 20 minute flight. Giampaolo required a moment of rest upon arrival to catch his breath and prepare himself for the craziness of Waikiki. When you live the simple life, the big smoke of Honolulu is a little like shopping at Costco; if you don’t have the mojo it will overwhelm you completely.

The Itai had the great idea of snorkeling at Waimea Bay to check out what’s underneath those monstrous winter swells. So we headed for the North Shore and took a little pit stop at Haleiwa for a coffee and to catch up on the latest news. It turns out King Kamehameha had lots of gay lovers and Guy Cruz was playing in town, who knew!

The sights under the water at Waimea Bay are amazing..see-the camera never lies! But I digress, we saw BIG beautiful tropical fish, schools drifting with the currents and a turtle that emerged like a mirage from the shallow waters of the shoreline rocks. Check out the little vid GP made with his trusty underwater gopro camera. The north shore is riddled with bays and coastline that are the stuff fantasies are made from. It’s definitely an island of sublime and ridiculous, can someone please explain to me how palm trees grow when their trunks are cemented into the sidewalk?

The heat pushed us onward and we picked up a $10 bag of delicious freshly smoked marlin that sustained us for the next few days. The winds of Kailua were a welcome respite from the heat and as always, people and their antics prove to be the cheapest entertainment of all. To be continued......

My Dad.

Generally speaking I ignore the bullshit around all ‘days’ except birthdays. Valentines is the first on my list of brainwashingly unnecessary bollocks days. Mothers Day is on a different date in the UK than the US and as hefty as the marketing machine is, from across the pond I still manage to ignore it-sorry Mum I’m such a slacker. St.Paddys……just not my cup of tea. Over here (as in half the world) there are those days that should be renamed “thank god we’ve severed all ties with the empire day”. Case in point, July 4th is coming up and as far as I’m concerned it’s just a brilliant excuse for a three day weekend.

So it’s interesting that this year ‘Fathers day” is giving me pause to write about my Dad. Perhaps it’s because I pulled out the old Tesco bag that contains his shoe polishing gear to give my boots the attention they deserved. When I was a kid on Sunday nights Dad would take my brothers and my school shoes and give them a good shine. To this day I still feel better if my shoes are buffed to perfection and when I travel nearly always get a shoe shine at the airport (unless I'm in tennies!).

He was a simple and kind man. On some level I feel like I didn’t really get to know him as I left the country at an age when you normally begin to transform family roles into friendship. Still, I’ve got some peculiar tendencies that are all his and I treasure my little eccentricities that could only have come from Tone.
*Sneezing 10-16 times in a row.
*At a moment of unexpected annoyance, a veritable conveyor belt of swear words will stream out of my mouth.
*No matter where I am in the world I’ve got to go to the local market.
*Fat of any description on food will be painstaking cut off and all bits neatly put to one side of my plate.
*An eye for a good photograph.
*The creases in my face that run from nose to chin are turning into a crevices-thanks Dad! (ok I know this ones cheating as it's a physical feature & not a trait....)
*A desire for well polished shoes turns the task of cleaning them into a labor of love.

The above pici is a self portrait he took whilst taking a photography class. I like it because he never read the business section.

As an aside Giampaolo peels apples the way my Dad used to peel ‘things’......in one long spiral. I like that.

Never a dull moment.

I’m so easily amused. Some years ago my arse went missing in action which in any other place would not be a cause for fret. However, when you live in the land of the bikini clad perky bum, small moments of gratitude for my own rear end are few and far between. So imagine my delight at this poor bloke’s misfortune, still I’m sure he’s got a lovely personality!

The cruise ship that comes into Kahului harbor has a shuttle that drops passengers off at Kanaha for a few hours of sun bathing…..or more likely sandblasting. Once they’ve taken their perfunctory shots of windsurfing they usually wander about a bit lost, but not this man-he was fully focused taking a video of the sand! Excellent.
A bit of water action between the tourist spotting main event.

Buoys’ commuting home after a long day at the office.

Profanisaurus Rex.

Michelle’s bro Mark, (while drinking cocktails between shifts as a pilot for British Airways) likes to work on keeping his announcements cutting edge with his handy Profanisaurus Rex. Mark gifted one of these 'must haves' to Michelle, who gifted one to me, who gifted one to Jules because lord knows, we could all use a few more rude words & phrases in our vocab!

Here's a few mild beginner samples that you can easily drop into your conversations this week.

‘To do a Beckam” v. To fail to score despite every opportunity to do so.

“Agatha Christie” n. A silent, putrid fart committed by someone in this very room, and only one person knows whodunit.

“Strike Oil” v. When doing a duty on the lavatory, to eject a feeshus with such force that its impact causes a vertical spout of water which hit’s one squarely in the balloon knot.

“King Canute” n. An enormous turd that blocks the bend and holds back the tide of the flush, causing the toilet to overflow.

“Snatch worms” n. Tiny pieces of tightly rolled toilet paper that lurk in the labial folds.

“Spin cycle” n. The final frenzied stages of a gentleman’s act of relaxation, when the floor starts to vibrate and nearby crockery starts to rattle and fall off shelves etc.

“Swiss movement”n. A poo dropped in the pan with almost nazi-like precision by a person with disciplined and regular bowel habits.

So if you're ever on a BA flight in Europe and hear "Ladies & Gentelmen please bring your seat backs into the upright position and stow your tray tables. We will be landing as soon as I’ve had my curtain call (a return to the lav for an encore dump)........" you'll know who's at the helm!

My Mum.

Well here she is . …..Mater70 circa 1937 (aka Anne Paley).

I dare say Mum isn’t feeling as perky today as when this pici was taken. She’s just come through her third stroke and is doing amazing well. Still, when you’re feeling a bit off some TLC and good loving attention can go along way on the journey to wellness.

So even though I was just there beating her with a stick to walk, I wish I was there now fluffing her pillows and making her tea. Instead, I’ve done what any good daughter would do and put my Mum’s naked bum on the blog!

My wish is for the Universe to cut my Mum some slack and give her back her good health. She’s been a good girl and with the exception of cream buns, quit all things bad for her, so the reward of wellness would be greatly appreciated.

I love you Mummy. Take it easy, drink lots of water and don’t over do it.

If you’ve read this would you please leave a message for my Mum as she thrives on positive attention (don’t we all) and repsonding to your comments will be good for her addled brain!