Monday, March 19, 2007

Sharon Paley's Diary

Number of Fags 0
Number of beers: On my first one.
Public recognition by fan base: 2
Public humiliation by celeb: 1

In desperate attempt to become windsurfing goddess dragged sagging arse to beach for sorely misguided attempt to look cool. Sunny day, lots of wind and not many handsome your surfer types to fake rigging ability in front of. Hurrah!

Spent too much time searching for optimal outfit to look like cool sailor chick due to ‘wet look’ being unattractive and producing unwanted emphasis on sticky-out ears and large (father inherited) nose. Bugger.

Supremely cool Italian windsurfer non boyfriend at beach so must stay dry and out of water as long as possible so as not to botch later possibility of sexual encounter. Sit on chair expressing regret at light wind conditions-plan working well.

Dammit….cannot postpone any longer. Whilst attempting first beach launch supremely cool Italian windsurfer non boyfriend sails by and says man on beach has something to say to me. “I read Giampaolo’s blog and now I read yours”. Giddy moment feeling very superstar like, with fan hand-me-downs.

Delirious with moment of recognition, am also instant windsurf goddess of my fantasies and sail out to prove it. SCIWNB now at beach ready to give tips to big ears-great. Calculated likelihood of being dumped and dying alone due to fit, young, tanned, small eared, tight assed, able to jibe, sexy athletic hottie - depressingly high.

Still, do remarkably well and with SCIWNB encouragement have massive windsurf goddess breakthrough by placing feet in foot straps for at least TWO SECONDS!Hurrah! Am shamelessly thrilled and feel possibility of evening shag rising.

Quit while I’m ahead and young hot surfer type asks me” Do you have any tips as to how to sail back to the same point-you were doing so well” Have to restrain myself from running over & hugging him-instead nonchalantly laugh and quip ‘I’ve no tips as I have no idea how I did it myself”!

Flushed with success (for second time in an hour) at being recognized am smiling a lot, also good visual distraction as looking cool whilst wet proves elusive. Struggled to undo out-haul so casually get harness to produce more leverage (like pro sailor type) but the words “I think you’re making it tighter” land at my feet from Fred Hayward-famous windsurfing fossil. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck. Coyly accept help and swiftly scuttle away secretly thrilled at big day. Am officially at new super cool athletic level, must discretely drop news into all conversations possible over next week.


mater70 said...

A couple of comments spring to mind here - that's a good Roman nose you have inherited - wear it with pride, it goes with the lines. I went through a lot to give them to you:-)

Do you normally beg for a "shag" so blatantly? If you do young lady, I trust you carry condoms with you at all times.

Rather than sign with my usual Mater70 I feel it should be "Disgusted of Leeds".

Ely from NYC said...

Hey Sharon, a.k.a windsurfing goddess,

Congratulations on your first footstrap penetration! Nothing better than that....except for the other kind of.....wait, did you get the happy ending you wanted?

Sharon said...

Mater70: I'll thank Dad for my nose & you for my boobs-could be worse things to have in size 'large'!

As for everything else I figured if it’s good enough for Bridget it’s good enough for me :-)

Ely: Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Ely from NYC said...


Ahhh....for once a girl that is self-confidently revealing about her sextra-curricular endeavours.

Love it!

cammar said...

this post is hysterical...


Nancy said...

You are tooo funny!!
That is what we all love about you!

mater70 said...

Bloody Nora - where did my cute, shy and retiring little girl go to?????????

Perhaps two weeks with Mama will calm the girl down? Sadly, I think not.

Oh God, if you can't beat them I suppose it's best to join them - 4th May here the Paley ladies come:-)

Lim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rusty said...

Sharon it was certainly a privilege to meet you Saturday morning. I agree that your SCIWNB is an excellent are in good hands. I always enjoy your photographs and dialogue. BTW, I don't remember seeing your ears, you must have had them neatly tucked away under your hair.

mater70 said...

Rusty, you don't ask about Sharon's ears - I always used to yank them to check that she had washed behind them (she rarely had). The Lord only knows what state they are in now as she has been exempt from inspection for more than half her life:-)

I shall check as soon as she gets off the plane at Leeds/Bradford on 4th May and report back.

Potatoes and growing therein spring to mind.

mater70 said...

On a positive note, something I've been meaning to say I love the picture of you - you look lovely.
I know I tease you mercilessly but it only hides my immense pride in you. You're someone only a mother could love :-)

That's brought you down to earth.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant Sharon! I'm a fan!

I laughed for a few minutes at the "Fred Haywood, windsurfing fossil"comment. She nails it! Took me a moment to figure out what SCIWNB is - but well worth the effort.

I shall return. (That's saying a lot!)

Love you, Sistah.