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OK-so it’s not exactly David Attenborough and Planet Earth, but I did manage to capture a little wild life action in my garden last week. These two were at it for so long I just weeded and planted around them and they weren't bothered a bit. Lucky me :-)

And now a few words from my little kid.

I can do that, I can do that, I can do that too.......get my feet in the straps I mean!

OK-back to big me, jiminy christmas nice 'kin muscles!

A change is as good as a rest. Part II.

It’s important in life to have balance, which is why I was sitting on the beach drinking a beer whilst taking this photo.
The score from the British judge for these bathing beauties is a solid 9.5 for not giving a shit about how they look.
Here I am on my back, legs akimbo and having big fun snapping that which passes between my alabaster thighs.
I only have one explanation as to how this turned into........
this..........white people.

A change is as good as a rest.

To fly from Maui to Oahu is a long and exhausting 20 minute flight. Giampaolo required a moment of rest upon arrival to catch his breath and prepare himself for the craziness of Waikiki. When you live the simple life, the big smoke of Honolulu is a little like shopping at Costco; if you don’t have the mojo it will overwhelm you completely.

The Itai had the great idea of snorkeling at Waimea Bay to check out what’s underneath those monstrous winter swells. So we headed for the North Shore and took a little pit stop at Haleiwa for a coffee and to catch up on the latest news. It turns out King Kamehameha had lots of gay lovers and Guy Cruz was playing in town, who knew!

The sights under the water at Waimea Bay are amazing..see-the camera never lies! But I digress, we saw BIG beautiful tropical fish, schools drifting with the currents and a turtle that emerged like a mirage from the shallow waters of the shoreline rocks. Check out the little vid GP made with his trusty underwater gopro camera. The north shore is riddled with bays and coastline that are the stuff fantasies are made from. It’s definitely an island of sublime and ridiculous, can someone please explain to me how palm trees grow when their trunks are cemented into the sidewalk?

The heat pushed us onward and we picked up a $10 bag of delicious freshly smoked marlin that sustained us for the next few days. The winds of Kailua were a welcome respite from the heat and as always, people and their antics prove to be the cheapest entertainment of all. To be continued......

My Dad.

Generally speaking I ignore the bullshit around all ‘days’ except birthdays. Valentines is the first on my list of brainwashingly unnecessary bollocks days. Mothers Day is on a different date in the UK than the US and as hefty as the marketing machine is, from across the pond I still manage to ignore it-sorry Mum I’m such a slacker. St.Paddys……just not my cup of tea. Over here (as in half the world) there are those days that should be renamed “thank god we’ve severed all ties with the empire day”. Case in point, July 4th is coming up and as far as I’m concerned it’s just a brilliant excuse for a three day weekend.

So it’s interesting that this year ‘Fathers day” is giving me pause to write about my Dad. Perhaps it’s because I pulled out the old Tesco bag that contains his shoe polishing gear to give my boots the attention they deserved. When I was a kid on Sunday nights Dad would take my brothers and my school shoes and give them a good shine. To this day I still feel better if my shoes are buffed to perfection and when I travel nearly always get a shoe shine at the airport (unless I'm in tennies!).

He was a simple and kind man. On some level I feel like I didn’t really get to know him as I left the country at an age when you normally begin to transform family roles into friendship. Still, I’ve got some peculiar tendencies that are all his and I treasure my little eccentricities that could only have come from Tone.
*Sneezing 10-16 times in a row.
*At a moment of unexpected annoyance, a veritable conveyor belt of swear words will stream out of my mouth.
*No matter where I am in the world I’ve got to go to the local market.
*Fat of any description on food will be painstaking cut off and all bits neatly put to one side of my plate.
*An eye for a good photograph.
*The creases in my face that run from nose to chin are turning into a crevices-thanks Dad! (ok I know this ones cheating as it's a physical feature & not a trait....)
*A desire for well polished shoes turns the task of cleaning them into a labor of love.

The above pici is a self portrait he took whilst taking a photography class. I like it because he never read the business section.

As an aside Giampaolo peels apples the way my Dad used to peel ‘things’......in one long spiral. I like that.

Never a dull moment.

I’m so easily amused. Some years ago my arse went missing in action which in any other place would not be a cause for fret. However, when you live in the land of the bikini clad perky bum, small moments of gratitude for my own rear end are few and far between. So imagine my delight at this poor bloke’s misfortune, still I’m sure he’s got a lovely personality!

The cruise ship that comes into Kahului harbor has a shuttle that drops passengers off at Kanaha for a few hours of sun bathing…..or more likely sandblasting. Once they’ve taken their perfunctory shots of windsurfing they usually wander about a bit lost, but not this man-he was fully focused taking a video of the sand! Excellent.
A bit of water action between the tourist spotting main event.

Buoys’ commuting home after a long day at the office.

Profanisaurus Rex.

Michelle’s bro Mark, (while drinking cocktails between shifts as a pilot for British Airways) likes to work on keeping his announcements cutting edge with his handy Profanisaurus Rex. Mark gifted one of these 'must haves' to Michelle, who gifted one to me, who gifted one to Jules because lord knows, we could all use a few more rude words & phrases in our vocab!

Here's a few mild beginner samples that you can easily drop into your conversations this week.

‘To do a Beckam” v. To fail to score despite every opportunity to do so.

“Agatha Christie” n. A silent, putrid fart committed by someone in this very room, and only one person knows whodunit.

“Strike Oil” v. When doing a duty on the lavatory, to eject a feeshus with such force that its impact causes a vertical spout of water which hit’s one squarely in the balloon knot.

“King Canute” n. An enormous turd that blocks the bend and holds back the tide of the flush, causing the toilet to overflow.

“Snatch worms” n. Tiny pieces of tightly rolled toilet paper that lurk in the labial folds.

“Spin cycle” n. The final frenzied stages of a gentleman’s act of relaxation, when the floor starts to vibrate and nearby crockery starts to rattle and fall off shelves etc.

“Swiss movement”n. A poo dropped in the pan with almost nazi-like precision by a person with disciplined and regular bowel habits.

So if you're ever on a BA flight in Europe and hear "Ladies & Gentelmen please bring your seat backs into the upright position and stow your tray tables. We will be landing as soon as I’ve had my curtain call (a return to the lav for an encore dump)........" you'll know who's at the helm!

My Mum.

Well here she is . …..Mater70 circa 1937 (aka Anne Paley).

I dare say Mum isn’t feeling as perky today as when this pici was taken. She’s just come through her third stroke and is doing amazing well. Still, when you’re feeling a bit off some TLC and good loving attention can go along way on the journey to wellness.

So even though I was just there beating her with a stick to walk, I wish I was there now fluffing her pillows and making her tea. Instead, I’ve done what any good daughter would do and put my Mum’s naked bum on the blog!

My wish is for the Universe to cut my Mum some slack and give her back her good health. She’s been a good girl and with the exception of cream buns, quit all things bad for her, so the reward of wellness would be greatly appreciated.

I love you Mummy. Take it easy, drink lots of water and don’t over do it.

If you’ve read this would you please leave a message for my Mum as she thrives on positive attention (don’t we all) and repsonding to your comments will be good for her addled brain!