Thursday, June 07, 2007

Profanisaurus Rex.

Michelle’s bro Mark, (while drinking cocktails between shifts as a pilot for British Airways) likes to work on keeping his announcements cutting edge with his handy Profanisaurus Rex. Mark gifted one of these 'must haves' to Michelle, who gifted one to me, who gifted one to Jules because lord knows, we could all use a few more rude words & phrases in our vocab!

Here's a few mild beginner samples that you can easily drop into your conversations this week.

‘To do a Beckam” v. To fail to score despite every opportunity to do so.

“Agatha Christie” n. A silent, putrid fart committed by someone in this very room, and only one person knows whodunit.

“Strike Oil” v. When doing a duty on the lavatory, to eject a feeshus with such force that its impact causes a vertical spout of water which hit’s one squarely in the balloon knot.

“King Canute” n. An enormous turd that blocks the bend and holds back the tide of the flush, causing the toilet to overflow.

“Snatch worms” n. Tiny pieces of tightly rolled toilet paper that lurk in the labial folds.

“Spin cycle” n. The final frenzied stages of a gentleman’s act of relaxation, when the floor starts to vibrate and nearby crockery starts to rattle and fall off shelves etc.

“Swiss movement”n. A poo dropped in the pan with almost nazi-like precision by a person with disciplined and regular bowel habits.

So if you're ever on a BA flight in Europe and hear "Ladies & Gentelmen please bring your seat backs into the upright position and stow your tray tables. We will be landing as soon as I’ve had my curtain call (a return to the lav for an encore dump)........" you'll know who's at the helm!


meesh said...

Encore! Encore! - You know I read my book every time i'm in the lav, and yet I have not come accross any of these yet!! Another one of the beauties of this book.... Hell Ulli and I have even done the national spelling bee to it (during bee fever week). Absolutely love the "to do a beckham". Thank you for your dedicated post to my bro; who got me hooked on the book at "A" with the definition of "air buffet" : to float a lingering, gaseous meal, more nourishing than an air biscuit (!)

Robin said...

I want one! Actually three as I am returning to Blighty pretty soon for a wedding do with two Germans. This will cause a giggle. Actually I might need it for the speech....

Anonymous said...

Hilarious - so clever. HOWEVER, you got this old "addled" brain stumped with feeshus (I think that's what you wrote) - do you by any means mean faeces??????

Sorry, but once a secretary, always a secretary. I hold my hands up and could have totally misinterpretted your meaning but it's the only word that is in context with your entry.

Your title is (as always) unsurpassed.

Mater x

Lim said...

Looks like Cammar is your very own
Agatha Christie

Sharon said...

Lim: You know us all so well!

Meesh: Well knowing how long you take to go to the bathroom it's a good job most of these definitions are 20 words or less!

Robin: At the very least it's a must have, if only for your own own amusement!

Mater: I'm not kidding that was the spelling of the word....well what so you expect it's not exactly a novel of credibility :-)