Sunday, October 14, 2007

Kiss of the Spiderwoman.

Anyone who knows me is well aware of how jumpy I am. I’ve lost track of the number of times that a poor unsuspecting friend has jumped out of their skin because of my reaction to ‘the thing’ which, (more often then not) was a stray hair or paper clip cunningly plotting to scare me to death.

So now I’ve clarified my disposition; let me take you to Café Mambo in Paia on Friday night. It was lively, full of happy patrons and I’d just finished a good dinner with friends and was taking a moment to look around to see who was out and about. As I started looking over my left shoulder I was not expecting to look into the eyeball of a HUGE cane spider......ok-it wasn’t that big but it was ‘right there’ where nothing alive and crawling is ever supposed to be.

I became an Olympic champion on every banned substance known to man and simultaneously screamed, grabbed the nearest bicep and started yelling (as one does) “GET IT - GET IT - GET IT OFF ME - GET IT OFF ME”!

The bicep moved into action and the deadly finger flicking was swift and accurate as the spider was sent hurtling toward its doom, but not before it bounced off Michelle’s arm (a body part clearly not to be messed with) plummeted to the ground, bounced off the tile floor and came to rest...officially D.O.A.

Dear God I think I gave more than one person a fright with that little escapade, but madafuka, hands up all those who would have behaved differently! Of course as with all interactions involving man verses beast, the poor spider was the only true victim and I can only hope he didn’t know what flicked him.

No spiders were harmed in the making of this reenactment!

14 comments:

Nancy said...

Oh I missed it!!!! How funny....
Sharon is so scared of spiders..that in a poor attempt to hide a rubber spider in the office to scare me...she ended up screaming and scarring her self...and what is even funnier...she has done this more than once...same rubber spider.

Nancy said...

ok... I know I have set my self up for miss spelled words and improper use of nouns and verbs or something...so Mater and Sharon...have fun!

Anonymous said...

I would have thought by now you might have outgrown this particular phobia. Spiders, Daddy Longlegs, you name it, you scream.

Nancy, get over the hangup of being told off by daughter and self. You're much more worthy than you allow :-) I didn't count the number of errors in Sharon's story - it was much too amusing (and brought back so many memories)that I forgot to do my maths. We put an "s" on the word math!!!!!!

Mater x

Anonymous said...

Cowardy, cowardy custard :-)

You should be on the stage with that face.

Mater x

Anonymous said...

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey,

Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her,
And frightened Miss Muffet away!


Cafe Mambo, eh? I shan't be eating there, after this. Lucky for you they didn't serve up poor spidey in yer bowl o'porridge.

Sharon said...

Nancy: OMG you would have pee’d your pants laughing, it was a classic fright and grab moment.

Mater: You’re right I’d forgotten about the daddy long legs smears on poor Grans bedroom walls!

Anon: I keep thinking of the journey the spider took to get to my shoulder, so thanks for the reminder that it could have been so much worse! ‘Kinel I should have milked the moment and asked for a free beer!

chris said...

Ciao Sharon,

next time you place a parrot on your shoulder, he will scare the spider away!

I do ask myself where human’s phobia of actually not dangerous animals is coming from, and why it is mostly affecting women. Maybe something in the early childhood ?

Cool attitude of Australians towards the crane spider bringing them back to the garden letting them supper insects.
A crane spider could do a good job in my kitchen en gardens…

Cheerio,

Anonymous said...

Now I'm totally confused - is there a CANE spider AND a CRANE spider - or are they one and the same but with different names?

Help me pleassssssse. Ta muchly.

Mater x

chris said...

Ups, a CANE spider, of course. Just misspelling that, thus no need for confusion, Mater x!

Nancy said...

Chris- we were all waiting for the correction from Crane to Cane...from either Mater or Sharon...I rest my case.

Sharon said...

Hey Chris, Nancy’s right; a word to the wise, if you comment on my blog whilst drunk, stoned or both and happen to let a gramatikal error....Mater will be after you like a bat outa hell. Nancy’s got me all wrong; I only correct her on her blog!

Of course if you make the same error while sober, well-what can I say, you have been warned!

Sharon said...

fcuk, fcuk,fcuk that's 'make a gramatikal error'!

Anonymous said...

phlgdzokI have to say that I think you all appear to have hangups re. spelling, punctuation etc. etc. English was always my favourite subject at school and being a medical secretary meant I had to be able to spell correctly so errors (gramatikal or whatever) jump out at me like the proverbial CRANE spider did on Sharon.

As you're all "young things" I think there is something I can pass on to you to try at home.
I attend a stroke clinic and part of the examination is an Alzheimer's test so I pass this on to you to check out yourselves. From 100 take away seven and so on ad infinitum (without the use of a calculator). If I have to do any mental arithmatic I still do my "times table" in my head and I'm ??-years-old! No marks will be given but I just wonder how quickly you are able to do this test? I do love being a clever clogs :-)

Mater x

Anonymous said...

I wondered where my verification word had gone to - why has it turned up at the beginning of my comment? Bloody new-fangled gadgets, errors like this never happened on my Remington typewriter:-)

Mater x